The Fear of Feeling Home

The more I go through this life, the more I realize that I seem to be in a strange never-ending state of solitude-seeking. A constant state of suspended-reality-seeking. A constant avoidance of those things that make feel like I'm here, now, this this city, in this life, even in this room.

I tend to avoid joining clubs or other social organizations. I have few friends. I have few connections. I float by day after day. Sometimes I feel lonely, but when I try to suddenly delve into connections and clubs and meetings and places, I feel instantly smothered. I feel chained. I feel mired in an inescapable, dreadful sense of real. And real is boring. So off I go again into my dreamy, no-reality, no-place, no-schedule world filled only with ambient electropop, furious painting, sunlight, coffee, and dreams.

It's not that I'm unhappy there... I actually feel quite comfortable. More comfortable than any other place.

Is this even normal? To be afraid of ever feeling "home." To always have the need to be slightly disconnected from everything, everyone, and every place. This constant need to wander, the get lost, to never be quite sure of my surroundings or circumstances.

What does all this have to do with my art? I'm not sure. I feel like there's a connection, but I haven't discovered it yet. Must go wandering into the night again... maybe I'll find it someday...

Photo via Pinterest. This is how I feel, or wish to feel most of the time.